I was supposed to have a baby today. This was to be the day that my family became complete. I find it hard to think about, hard to write about. I’ve never experienced such a brick wall between my heart, my brain and my hands. This is difficult.
We conceived on birth control and I don’t think either of us was quite ready for those two lines to show up. They say that if everyone waits until they are ready and the time is right no one would ever have children. I suppose that’s true but for us there couldn’t have been a worse time. Avery was just four months out of the NICU and very small and needy. At this time we had no idea the severity of his delays or that he’d eventually be diagnosed with CP. We only knew that the time wasn’t right. We had even discussed permanent birth control out of fear it’d happen again. In my heart though I knew I wanted to try again. That’s likely selfish and probably stupid but my heart said I wasn’t done. We’d agreed to wait a few years to make a decision.
Arick was much more practical than I was. He was “It happened and we’ll be fine” to my “We can’t possibly do this!” Together we made the difficult decision to move for the better of our family. I know now that we made the right decision. My family didn’t support my pregnancy and my mother said awful, unforgivable things. We didn’t plan to get pregnant but children are not mistakes or accidents. No, I don’t have perfect pregnancies. I can’t tell you why I’ve lost more babies than I’ve delivered alive. I can’t explain why things went so wrong so early with Avery. And I also can’t tell you that any of it would happen again. My doctors believe that with the same father I could very well go full term and not develop preeclampsia at all. Unfortunately, I’ve never gone far enough in another pregnancy besides the two children I have to find out. But to persecute me for getting pregnant…I still don’t understand.
On September 25, 2014 we said goodbye to that baby. I still can’t say I’m over the loss. There was a part of me that longed to get pregnant again right away even though almost everyone in our lives was clear that they wished I’d get my tubes tied. So much so that I’ve intentionally lied to anyone who’s asked me since then. The truth is that no, I’m not getting my tubes tied and I probably never will. I don’t expect anyone who hasn’t walked in my shoes to understand. That’s a good thing, too, because the decision was mine and Arick’s alone to make. And I don’t care what anyone thinks about it.
Does that mean our family isn’t complete? We don’t know. For now that is in God’s hands. We aren’t trying. We realize that these next few years will be necessary to focus on Avery. If at any point we think we could, or would, do this again…we may. Some days I think I’m done and I’ll tell Arick I’m calling to schedule a consult. He’ll take my phone and tell me I’m not done, that we will decide together when WE are done. Other days I look at my two miracles- that’s what they are- and want two more exactly like each of them.
Regardless, we’ve been blessed. Little Aiden or Ainsley is safe in the arms of our Father, the arms of my father. I’m comforted in my knowledge that one day I’ll see all my children again. I’ll get to hold them and finally be complete. I trust God’s plan for me and I know that one day I’ll understand why he sent that little one to me for such a short time.
I wish I’d gotten to kiss your cheeks. Would you have been blonde like me or would you have had the copper colored hair, the same as a new penny, like your father? Blue or green eyes? The chin dimple? I know one thing…your soul was beautiful. Too beautiful for this earth. And for the rest of my days I’ll miss you, my child.